Hasta, ESPN

September 7, 2018


I’m neither a democrat nor a republican.

In fact, I’m 30 years old and have never cast a vote.

I might have registered once when I first turned 18, but I can’t really remember.

When I tell this to people, they gasp and tell me how UN-American that is. Our boys died during the Civil Revolution at the hands of Hitler so we could have our own Declaration of Constitution that gives us that right, and if you don’t exercise that right, you are UN-American!

I disagree.

If I, indeed, love this country, then abstaining my vote is absolutely the most American thing I can do.


Because I’m willing to admit that I don’t know shit about politics. I don’t check on the price of commodities; I don’t read about the state of foreign relations. How would I know what’s in this country’s best interest? The way I look at it, if I were to vote, I would be throwing darts blindfolded, and that’s a dangerous thing.

My line of reasoning strongly follows that of one John Adams. Although he doesn’t have the name recognition of Johnny Appleseed or Herbie Hancock, President Adams is, arguably, the most important politician the United States has ever known, his catalog of political writings and extensive diplomacy largely unmatched by his contemporaries or successors. Perhaps President Adams’ legacy isn’t so fondly promulgated to posterity because he so strongly believed in keeping the ballot out of the hands of the uninformed citizen. For a country so freshly emancipated from British rule, this was unconscionable; elitist, royalist accusations cast a shadow on the innumerable contributions President Adams made to our young nation.

But what’s even more dangerous than giving an uninformed citizen the right to vote?

Having that uninformed citizen’s vote influenced by party interests.

And is it any surprise that among our early politicians, the strongest opponent of a partisan democracy was John Adams? President Adams was the type of man who closed the doors on his successful law practice to run for public office, offices that were largely unpaid. He was the type of man that, despite advanced age and declining health, took to the rough waters of the Atlantic to represent the United States at conference when no one else was willing to voyage to Europe. In short, President Adams was the type of man who put his personal interests to the side for the prosperity of the United States, and he foresaw a nation that would eventually crumble upon itself as political parties sacrificed the good of the people to promote their own selfish agendas.

Party interests have already divided our government, our states, our communities, our media outlets, and our families, but in 2018, with the advent of instantaneous, around-the-clock information, party interests have infiltrated the most dangerous location of them all: the consciousness of the uninformed citizen.

I once dreamed of being the next Chris Berman on ESPN. I even went to college with that pursuit in mind. When that dream fizzled out, I still kept ESPN as my homepage, and its app is one of the few I have downloaded on my phone. However, when the last three push notifications I have received from ESPN have not been about scores, standings, or injury updates, but about comments made years ago by marginal sports figures? That is not sports news to me, and ESPN no longer serves its purpose.

I will finish the season with my current fantasy baseball teams and then delete ESPN from my phone. I will only watch their programming if the Raiders are playing or they are covering NCAA wrestling. The whole platform has turned into Shutter Island, and ESPN wants to use its influence to subvert its followers into carrying out a highly specific political agenda. I may be an uniformed citizen, but I’m not a complete dipshit, and I will not vote for someone just because some powerful entity tries to scare me into voting for someone. Whether it’s one party telling me that unless I vote for Candidate A, the government is going to break into my house and confiscate all my guns or a different party telling me that unless I vote for Candidate B, my unborn gay daughter will live a life of fear and persecution, I will not waver. I will not relinquish my ballot, and don’t call me un-American.

I had long predicted that World War III would be fought over rights to diminishing water supplies. I’ve since changed my mind. It will be fought between warring political parties, right here on our own soil.

Or maybe, just maybe, it will be fought over “sources” revealing that John Adams once told Martha Washington that her brassiere really makes her bosom pop.

I knew there was a reason America tries to forget that guy.

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